I cannot find my penis.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
