I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
