Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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