Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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