She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The power of my boobs compel you
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
