so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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