Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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