I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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