I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
