how can u be prego again
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
