ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
