I haven't been this sober since birth.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
