just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
