I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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