Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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