If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
