I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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