is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
