i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
