the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
