I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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