Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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