my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
