i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
