Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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