it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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