I want to walk on stilts...naked
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
