My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
