Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
