i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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