Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
