She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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