my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
