I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
