And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Four minutes until I can fart!
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
