Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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