So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
