Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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