dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
