i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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