Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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