last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I looked at my own cervix.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
