my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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