Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's shark week go big or go home
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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