I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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