I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
