Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
