Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My penis needs a shock collar
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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