I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he fucked my hip out of place.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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