Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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