When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize