The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
