I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
