I'm pants shitting drunk right now
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
