So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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