I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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