Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize