I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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