I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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