I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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