I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
